i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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