apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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