It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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