He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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