oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
