Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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