You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
