the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
