I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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