6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
