Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I want a musical about memes.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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