I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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