I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
