your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
