For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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