It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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