I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She's the barista slut.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
