oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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