It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
