I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
