I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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