Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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