I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
