someone threw a dead crab at me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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