I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
