i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
