Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize