Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
