I accidentally had phone sex last night
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
