He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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