please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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