Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
