yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
that is very illegal...i love you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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