I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
