so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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