My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
