Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
