One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
