I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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