I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I have aggressive nipples.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
