can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
