"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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