There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I currently don't understand fingers.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
