I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
