If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think people are normalizing furries
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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