Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
