her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
