Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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