i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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