I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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